Directory of American Menu Hotlines [PDF edition]

"A mind-blowing work of surrealist nonfiction." - Danny Caine

"A true work of art." - Daniel Lopatin

This PDF is available for a limited time! All proceeds from the sale of this PDF through the first week of February will go to the Greater Longfellow Neighbor Relief Fund, a community fundraiser of neighbors working to provide direct financial support to meet the urgent needs of families across our neighborhood and the surrounding metro region.

The final edition of a directory of over 80 active phone numbers for the best pre-recorded menu hotlines in the United States, available as a PDF for the first time.

The pre-recorded menu hotline – usually recited into a voicemail box by the manager on duty in the early part of the morning in the kitchen of a hospital or military canteen – is a uniquely ephemeral digital artifact. These recordings are made to convey some important information quickly and (relatively) efficiently, and with some warmth and personality meant to provide a brief respite to older patients and their families, who find themselves disoriented by having been tossed into the pitiless maw of contemporary healthcare. A friendly voice on the other line is a welcome piece of continuity from day to day. Once the message has served that purpose, it's unceremoniously deleted the following morning, and is rarely archived anywhere.

In the years since the last print edition, in 2025, almost forty of these hotlines no longer have working numbers, or have not been updated. However, many are still faithfully updated daily or weekly. Edited by Andy Sturdevant, with design assistance from Tom Gaasedelen. 46 pages.

To hear the final recordings from the Miami Valley Cowboy and his friends at the Magnolia Place Cafeteria, follow our Bandcamp account.